


All the Time in the Universe

by DiscipleOfBrad



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s09e11 Heaven Sent, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Memories, Reminiscing, Sad and Happy, Spoilers for Episode: s09e11 Heaven Sent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23629855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiscipleOfBrad/pseuds/DiscipleOfBrad
Summary: The Doctor escapes to his Tardis between one second and the next and is confronted with the one person he needed to see. A story to commemorate the global rewatch of Heaven Sent #HellOfABird
Relationships: Twelfth Doctor/Clara Oswin Oswald
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	All the Time in the Universe

The Tardis console room thrummed into life, transforming itself from the dark, cold husk it had been into its usual warm self. It felt alive, which was understandable as it was. A sentient creature that kept him going even when it wasn’t truly there. The greatest ship in the universe. But, this time, she could not carry him away to safety. He couldn’t just flick a switch, pull a lever and fly away...away from this never-ending nightmare. He slowly looked around, trying to pick up on any details he had got wrong. Maybe the chairs would be the wrong way round or a button a different colour. No. As far as he could tell, his brain was still able to produce the perfect representation of his constant companion. That was a good sign at least. It meant that he wasn’t losing all of his sense just yet. Probably had a few more reruns before that started to happen. It didn't bear thinking about, with so many other terrible things happening to him. 

The Doctor was falling. Tumbling. Spiralling uncontrollably. In this moment in time, in this very second, he was heading for the water. The one way to escape. Over and over again. Chair. Window. Smash. Fall. Over and over again. Fear. Glass. Shatter. Jump. Doomed to repeat it until he could finally break through the Azbantium. It had taken him long enough just to find the wall. How many more times would it take to go through all of this again? To run, to contemplate, to mourn, to fall...all over again? Falling. Always falling but not moving any closer to what he wanted to achieve. For any other person, the water would have met them by now, stinging their faces with its cold, dark embrace. But the Doctor was clever. After so many years of living, he’d come to be able to control time as his title suggested. When he was as clever as he was, he could stall even the briefest of seconds to give himself a suitable moment to think. The only troubling thing was that his thoughts often turned into his undoing. 

He looked up at the top of the console, at the Gallifreyan runes that decorated it in an intricate pattern. He smiled sadly. A symbol for every person who had travelled with him over the centuries. To remind him why he did this. To remind him why it was still worthwhile to continue, no matter how hard it got. And it was so difficult right now, to get up and persevere with this fight when he was always going to be the loser. It would just be so...easy to give in. To allow whoever was imprisoning him to do what they wanted to do to him. But then his eyes settled on the one symbol that hurt the most to look at. The one that made his hearts crumble to pieces. The one that made him want to collapse to the ground in anguish and shout out in indignant pain. The one that represented Clara Oswald. His Clara. The woman who had travelled by his side for so long, who had saved him at every step in his lives. The woman who had made him smile and embrace the hidden warmth in this incarnation. The woman who had grown to be so like him and had died for that very sin. Because it was a sin when he thought about it. Anyone trying to mirror his way of life would be met with the most harrowing of decisions, the most soul-crushing of scenarios. He wasn’t anything special. He just took it upon himself to deal with the darkness of the universe because no one else could. Everyone else was so...breakable and fragile. Just like Clara had been when she fell to the ground, her life leaving her body in a dirty puff of smoke. Falling. Falling just like he was right now. There was no time to dwell on what happened. The pain it caused was too much.

He walked deeper into the Tardis, an angry expression on his face. Life wasn’t fair. He had done so much for this damned universe and what had it given him? Nothing. But it had taken so much from him. Being immortal wasn’t about living forever. It was about watching everyone else turn to dust on the battlefield whilst he soldiered on in the endless war. There was always a foe to face but there wouldn’t always be that gorgeous face by his side. Oh, that smile. That was the thing that stung the most. Not being able to see that cheeky grin, that knowing smirk. He thought back to all of those times when he would be rambling about some distant planet or explaining a deadly situation to a hapless group of pudding brains and he would briefly glance over at her. She would be smiling at him, even if she was annoyed at him. And he’d flash a smile back. To try and tell her that he felt exactly the same way. He was filled with wonder at her existence, awe at how brave she was. Was. Past tense. Gone. Apart from the memories. Maybe it was the memories that made the heartbreak worse. Remembering all of the times they’d shared. The adventures that had brought them closer to one another, closer than he had been to any other person before. The scrapes they’d gotten into time and time again, only to get out of them at the last second. Apart from one. Maybe it would just be better to...forget everything. Then the pain would disappear. Apart from the current torment he was going through.

He sat down on the steps, putting his head in his hands and dragging them across his face. Who was he kidding? He never wanted to forget her. Because she made him strive to be better. Not because she expected a lot from him. Because he wanted to impress her and show off. Because all he cared about was what she thought of him. A piece of chalk rolled down towards him from the blackboard on the balcony. It still had the message on it from before when he had escaped the last time.  _ Be a Doctor. Win _ . How was he supposed to do both at the same time? They were never part of the same result. The Doctor never won, not truly. He may win the occasional battle. He sometimes stretched that to a war. But he always lost someone and that overshadowed any victory. He picked up the piece of chalk, examined it for a second through wet eyes and then launched it across the room. It landed with a soft clang, ricocheting off a piece of metal. 

“I can’t do this anymore!” he shouted to no one in particular. To her. “Why should I have to go through this? Don’t I deserve to rest? Can’t I be selfish this one time and save myself?” He closed his eyes, imagining what she would say to that. She’d tell him that the time for that would come after. She’d be steadfast in the faith that it would end because, for some strange reason, she believed that he always had the answers. Regardless of how much he tested her faith or pushed her to her limit. Her support had been unwavering to the very last second, which cut deeply. He’d failed her. She would strongly argue that he hadn’t, that it had ultimately been down to her mistake. No. It was his. Forever his burden to bear, a mark to tell anyone else to stay well clear from him unless they wanted the same thing to happen to them. And then he felt her warm presence next to him.

It’s funny what the brain can do when you give into it. She was there by his side, sitting on the same steps as he was currently on. He might have even thought she was real if he hadn’t been there to see the events on Trap Street. He looked at her face, still seared onto his mind. She was giving him that sad smile she often wore when she knew he was going through something she couldn’t really understand. She took his hand in hers, squeezing it gently. But she wasn’t there! She wasn’t actually touching him. She was a figment of his imagination, nothing more. A cruel trick. But still a wonderful, reassuring sight.

“Hello, you daft old man,” she greeted softly.

“Clara,” he whispered. “Is it my time yet? Can I sleep? You could be my guardian angel, helping me get to the next plane of existence.” Did he really want that? He didn't know for sure. 

“You know the answer to that, Doctor.” He did. It was his curse to always want to help even when it killed him. 

“Why should I continue when nothing I do will bring you back?”

“Because there are billions upon billions of people out there just like me who will rely on you in the future. Who will lose almost all of their hope until you turn up in that magical blue box to save the day.”

“There will never be anyone like you. Not ever.”

“I’m flattered but that’s not the right sentiment. No one is the same apart from that connection we all share. Fear. I was so scared but I had you by my side to help me go through with it. There will always be someone who is scared and that’s where you come in.”

“What about when I’m scared? Like right now?”

“Then that’s when I get to work. My duty of care. To make sure you carry on. To beat this challenge and then move onto the next.”

“But you’re gone!” he roared, standing up and moving to the console, hardly wanting to look her in the eyes. “You died in front of me and all I could do was stand and watch!” He doubted that he had cried so much. She must think that he was so pathetic. And then she was by his side again, instantly there to reassure him in the time it took him to blink. He didn't deserve her. Not even this made-up version.

“That’s true. I am gone. But it wasn’t your fault. Do not blame yourself and I know whatever I say won’t convince you because of your stupid sense of survivor’s guilt so...think of it another way. Memories. Memories live on and make up the person. It’s never about the physical body. It’s only about the stories we make along the way. No one is ever truly gone in stories. Because each one is constantly happening, somewhere. My story will never end and don’t you forget that.”

“But I know that I will never be able to live out those stories with you again.”

“Again, Doctor. Your brain is so fuzzled that you’re not thinking like you normally do. Stories are in our heads. You can always visit them when you have time. And do you know what we have right now?” he slightly shook his head. Where she would normally have rolled her eyes at his lack of understanding, this time she smiled. That sight he cherished. “All the time in the universe. You’re stuck between the last second and the next. That could stretch out for eternity, you know.” She laughed as she moved away, his eyes transfixed on her. That sound was so joyful, so out of place from his thoughts that surely it could only mean she was with him. “We could spend years together reminiscing about the adventures we had. Oh! Do you remember Robin Hood?” She moved along the balcony, behind one of the pillars and when she returned to view, she was wearing that long red dress he remembered her having on. He’d always thought she looked so beautiful in that, the way her hair dangled down to frame her face. Again, that bright smile she’d worn when she saw the legendary figure.

“Of course your first instinct is to think about that infernal idiot,” he grumbled despite the small smile now wanting to grow on his face.

“Jealous?”

“Incredibly.” She raised an eyebrow at the admission but it didn't faze her. She knew how he felt despite him never saying it out loud. His greatest regret.

“You liked him really.”

“Maybe I did. Maybe it was just that I didn't like admitting you were right.” She was by his side in a flash, a playful grin making all of the pain dissipate.

“That must have been why you were so grumpy all the time. Because I was always right.” She wanted him to challenge her on that just so that she could list every occasion that had been the case. Eternity wouldn’t have been long enough.

“Yes, boss,” he said with a shake of his head. He was getting wrapped up in this. He didn't need to think about leaving just yet.

“What about when we robbed a bank?” Still, she could hardly believe that she had been roped into that. She was now wearing a suit, a tie loosely wrapped around her neck. She knew she looked good and the Doctor wasn’t going to disagree. “Nothing bad ever happens when you answer the phone, you said. Just another case of me being right.” The Doctor had a realisation. This was his mind. It was only fair that he got to choose the memories. With a confused look, Clara now found herself in a gold, dazzling dress with much shorter hair. “The Orient Express? Got a particular fondness for this adventure?” It was good to see him side with her way of thinking after his initial reluctance. She always won with him.

“Well, not just because of the way you looked which was...spectacular.” She did a little twirl to accentuate what he was talking about. For a second, he was lost in the sight, enjoying seeing her like this. “After that, you decided to keep on travelling with me. That will always be a happy memory.”

“See! You’re beginning to understand now. Memories aren’t sad. They make people come alive! The most powerful force in the universe so just imagine how strong you must be. You have to find that strength again, Doctor.”

“Maybe it would be helpful to see some more memories, just to be sure.”

“You’re just trying to catch me when I’m changing between outfits.”

“Flirting, Miss Oswald?”

“Always.”

“Clara...I…” She pressed a finger against his lips, stopping him from speaking.

“I know what you’re about to say. Please...don’t. I think it would hurt you even more to finally admit it only to a ghost.” She was right (he wouldn’t say that out loud, fearful of how cocky she would be) but it didn't mean he believed it any less. His love for her was what was keeping him going, even when she was gone. Not gone. That’s what she had been trying to tell him.

“Then dazzle me with more stories.”

“One moment. Because you need to hear something. All of these stories should be telling you something. Do you remember when you asked me a question? A very important question? My answer’s changed. These stories exemplify how you are, and always will be, a good man. Don’t you ever forget that. You are a good man because you keep going, no matter the cost.” That’s exactly what he needed to hear. That had always been her power, to pluck the necessary words from out of the air. He smiled at her, a hand cupping her face.

“My Clara Oswald. Do you think you’ll be able to cope with being trapped in here for eternity?”

“Not trapped. Free. Free to replay those stories over and over because we have as much time as we need.”

All the time in the universe. Not just to think about the adventures that had passed them by, the conversations they’d shared, the hugs he’d grown to love. It would be enough time to think of a way to save her. Because he was the Doctor. And he saved people.


End file.
